Rickey inherited much of his love for whimsy, magic and unrestrained day drinking from his dear old mom. But after one particularly sticky, snotty, stroller jammed day at Magic Kingdom, Rickey’s mom chugged some white wine and declared that Walt Disney World should ban all children under 5. Rickey will do anything for his loving mother, so he made this list to help her have a more magical time at Disney.
#5: Use Rideshares
Does anyone else remember Disney’s Magical Express as a horrifying cesspool of overstimulation? The suspicious smells and seat kicking? The cacophony of baby shrieks and tablets blasting “Let it Go” at full volume? It still gives Rickey night terrors to this day. And while this service is now defunct, he suspects that the current, paid options are nearly as bad (AND they cost money).
For that reason, Rickey always takes Uber or Lyft from the airport. He also takes ride shares to and from the parks during peak travel hours, with one exception. Magic Kingdom is almost always more convenient by Disney transport since the rideshares have to drop you at the Transportation & Ticket Center.
#4: Go late and stay late at the parks
This tip is likely well-known amongst the Disney Adult contingent. Kids and their long-suffering parents tend to tire out early, so it makes sense to visit the parks after they’ve, mercifully, gone home.
In fact, Rickey has even skipped the parks altogether during the day in favor of after hours events (e.g. Boo Bash or Very Merriest After Hours). And while these events are expensive (Rickey paid roughly $200 per ticket), they are worth it for low crowds and minimal child encounters.
Additionally, if you can spring for a deluxe resort, the extended evening hours (currently only at EPCOT and Magic Kingdom) tend to be a delight and a joy for Disney grown-ups. Rickey often stays at The Swan and Dolphin hotels, which offer the extended evening hour privilege, but also don’t totally break the bank.
#3: Go to one of the few 21 and over spots on property
While hitting up the lounges throughout Walt Disney World Resort is a useful strategy for avoiding kids in general, some places outright ban folks under 21. This is one of the only ways to be totally sure you won’t have to co-mingle with other people’s progeny. For example, Trader Sam’s Grog Grotto only allows children before 8PM.
Additionally, Atlantic Dance Hall on the BoardWalk (while often lame) is always 21 years and over. And finally, if you have a very hearty constitution and you want to hate yourself the next day (in the best way possible), Jellyrolls on the BoardWalk is a shamefully awesome, child-free time.
#2: Request a room away from the main pool at your resort
The gleeful screams of children make Rickey want to smother himself with a pillow after a World Showcase bender the day before.
And while many resorts claim that the pool view is “preferred”, this has not been the case in Rickey’s experience. He’d rather have a view of the parking lot than be inundated with the sounds of children all hopped up on Mickey bars.
#1: Focus on Edutainment
Have you been hit in the achilles by one too many strollers? Get thee to the Hall of Presidents or the Carousel of Progress at Magic Kingdom. Go nerd out about Disney history at Walt Disney Presents in Hollywood Studios. Or, take a relaxing boat ride through the greenhouses on Living With the Land at EPCOT.
The more educational it is, the more likely it is to be devoid of screaming children. And, honestly, most of these attractions are also clutch when in the throes of a serious hangover.
Did Rickey miss any essential tips? Let him know in the comments!